I don't know how many of you out there have kids. I do. 4 of them. And they are a pain in the goddamn ass.

Heres the scenario:

Someone rented 50 bucks of pay-per-view porn on my cablebox. And of course no one admitted it. I had it narrowed down to the only 2 kids who have passed through puberty. The 15 year old and the 12(almost 13) year old.

So I confronted them. But they say it was "Not Me" and "I dunno". Well, let me tell you that shit is not going to wash. I told the 2 of them that it HAD to be one of them. A fact that the 12 year old could admit, The 15 year old said "well it might have been someone else" thus starting the confirmation of his guilt. Logically speaking, nobody broke into my house, watched porno, then left without leaving a trace of themselves. That's impossible and like Sir Arthur Conan Doyle says, when you eliminate all that is impossible whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the case.

So I started in with the interrogation techniques. First, one of my favorites, book holding. If your not familiar with this exercise it goes like this: You(The kid) holds one of my college textbooks in each hand with arms outstretched until someone cracks. Drop the books and things will turn violent (So I tell them but I don't really mean it, they buy it tho). Well after about 10 minutes of that the 12 year old is balling his eyes out. So I ask again. "Was it you? No.", "Was it you? No.", the 15 year old is staring at the floor. Not a tear in his eye. More evidence of the guilty party. But nobody is talking. FINE! Pushup position suckers. Well after about 5 minutes of being in the pushup position they both are balling. But I think its because I gave a speech regarding the fact that the guilty party never cries. OK. OK. OK. Stop.

The faster tactics just aren't working. Lets try some chair sitting. Well I set them in some chairs with nothing fun around and left them for a few hours and when I return one kid is obviously more pissed off than the other. Its the 15 year old. But still no one fesses up.

At this point, "Stephen (12 year old), you're off the hook. Get out of here." To which he cheerily replies thank you and skedaddles.

Then I turn to the 15 year old. "I think it was you." he denies it. I tell him it doesn't matter anymore what he says. He's going down for it. So he proceeds to skulk in that same spot for 2 hours and grumble about how it could have been some unknown 3rd party.

Now for the clincher...After the aforementioned 2 hours of skulking I say to him, "So are you mad at your brother? For doing this crap and you taking the fall for it?" his reply, "No.", Then he starts balling telling me how much he doesn't care what I think. I replied, "don't be stupid, your balling, you obviously care. So shut up."

If that isn't an admission of guilt I don't know what is. His bank account will be duly deducted the 50 dollars and I will have to stomp on him for not admitting what he did. (which is what really bothers me about it.). Additionally when I check dates one of the movies was rented on a day the 15 year old had his chum spend the night and they slept in the living room. Busted.